Tardy Turtle's Offseason and Bail Bonds Thread

[Tardy Turtle]

Serving all of your offseason chatter and bail bonds needs!

Heavy drinking encouraged*!

​*required

[GIMMFD]

Can you ship the same bourbon you were drinking during the tournament to me in the Caribbean? Can that count as a bail bond?

[GoMuskies]

Subscribe

[paulxu]

Place holder.

[xeus]

Serving all of your offseason chatter and bail bonds needs!

Heavy drinking encouraged*!

​*required

Thank you for your service.

[Tardy Turtle]

I'm sorry, I don't buy that no one here has recently required the services of a disreputable bail bondsman.

[94GRAD]

I'm sorry, I don't buy that no one here has recently required the services of a disreputable bail bondsman.

Amazing as it sounds, I was released on my own recognisance!

[Masterofreality]

Amazing as it sounds, I was released on my own recognisance!

And EVERYBODY knows who the hell YOU are! :lol:

[chico]

You trying to move in on my bail bond turf?

I also coach little league for beer.

[paulxu]

I'm working on a plea deal.

[MADXSTER]

You trying to move in on my bail bond turf?

I also coach little league for beer.

Well I'm looking to get into a beer league this summer. If I succeed I'll probably be in need of a bail bondsman.

[Tardy Turtle]

I very nearly brushed my teeth with topical ointment this morning.

[xu82]

Well I'm looking to get into a beer league this summer. If I succeed I'll probably be in need of a bail bondsman.

Worried you'll get caught stealing second?

[Olsingledigit]

I think Tre needs your services

[xu82]

I think Tre needs your services

Ouch!

Probably hoping the Nuggets show some interest.

[Tardy Turtle]

These fucking dandelions are the bane of my existence.

[xu82]

These fucking dandelions are the bane of my existence.

Make soup! The mug is half full.

[GIMMFD]

These fucking dandelions are the bane of my existence.

I'd love to do a neurological case study on you one day.

[Tardy Turtle]

I'd love to do a neurological case study on you one day.

http://www.entertainmentgeekly.com/images/dan/cap025.bmp

[94GRAD]

I'd love to do a neurological case study on you one day.

Someone is going to have to do a CTE study on Tardy's brain from intramural floor hockey in O'Connor.

[Tardy Turtle]

Someone is going to have to do a CTE study on Tardy's brain from intramural floor hockey in O'Connor.

Apropos of everything I have no recollection of getting my bell rung during intramural floor hockey. May explain a lot.

Also I don't think you'd want to look inside my head. Only things in there would be boob pics, sports stats and bourbon stains.

[X-band '01]

Apropos of everything I have no recollection of getting my bell rung during intramural floor hockey. May explain a lot.

Also I don't think you'd want to look inside my head. Only things in there would be boob pics of Rosie O'Donnell and Kathy Bates, sports stats and bourbon stains.

Finished your post.

[Tardy Turtle]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LuSP4QaXiQ

[Tardy Turtle]

I have been drunk every night this week.

[ArizonaXUGrad]

I have been drunk every night this week.

Love the 1984 avatar Tardy.

[GIMMFD]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LuSP4QaXiQ

I like Blue Mountain State too Tardy.

[Tardy Turtle]

(burrrrp)

[Tardy Turtle]

Yeah so I am pretty drunk. And I may or may not be naked.

YOU ARE ALL JEALOUS.

[xu82]

Yeah so I am pretty drunk. And I may or may not be naked.

YOU ARE ALL JEALOUS.

No, we have a hidden camera, and we are not jealous.

[Juice]

No, we have a hidden camera, and we are not jealous.

Live look in


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ge3x9BsRdII

[xu82]

Live look in


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ge3x9BsRdII

I didn't want to click, but it made me laugh so I'm glad i did.

[Tardy Turtle]

The hand soap in the bathrooms at my new job smells wonderful.

[X-ceptional]

The hand soap in the bathrooms at my new job smells wonderful.

In a slightly different play on this, I am still at my same old job, but our bathrooms just got new hand soap and it smells wonderful.

[Juice]

The hand soap in the bathrooms at my new job smells wonderful.

How does it taste though?

[Tardy Turtle]

How does it taste though?

Like chicken.

Duh.

[GIMMFD]

Like chicken.

Duh.

Are you in a constant drunk state off bourbon, and if so have you heard of Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome?

[paulxu]

Are you in a constant drunk state off bourbon,

Is this a bad thing? I could be in deep shit.

[GIMMFD]

Is this a bad thing? I could be in deep shit.

Nah, as long as you're getting plenty of Vitamin B1 (beef, liver, nuts, oranges, rice, pork, egg) and you won't get Wernicke-Korsakoff, I mean technically 2 drinks a day is actually cardio-protective due to oxidation, but I digress.

[paulxu]

Nah, as long as you're getting plenty of Vitamin B1 (pork, ) and you won't get Wernicke-Korsakoff, I mean technically 2 drinks a day is actually cardio-protective due to oxidation, but I digress.

Bourbon and Bacon !

[94GRAD]

Bourbon and Bacon !

Make sure you're in town mid next month!!!


http://cincinnatiusa.com/events/bacon-bourbon-and-brew-festival

[paulxu]

Damn...I should be there for that one.
Although the 3rd B is not "Brew."

[Tardy Turtle]

Are you in a constant drunk state off bourbon, and if so have you heard of Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome?

I consume copious amounts of both bourbon and bacon so petty maladies such as that are of no concern.

Getting back to the important shit, not only does the soap smell and taste fantastic at my new job but the Facilities guy will make a custom nameplate with your alma mater logo on it if you ask.

https://imageshack.com/i/pmRZNnmDj

[Juice]

I consume copious amounts of both bourbon and bacon so petty maladies such as that are of no concern.

Getting back to the important shit, not only does the soap smell and taste fantastic at my new job but the Facilities guy will make a custom nameplate with your alma mater logo on it if you ask.

https://imageshack.com/i/pmRZNnmDj

You might have the best job around

[jaxalum]

I don't know if I'm feeling like I'm in a depressed malaise, as this is the first I've encountered Tardy Turtle's beautiful "life dialogue", or that I'm in a state of perpetual ecstasy, in that I've finally discovered him......(no words to describe) phenomenal? divine? glorious human being/entity.

He strikes me as the type of gentleman that could change his name to the following (listed below), and increase his legend, while if any of us mere mortals were to attempt such a shenanigan, we would have our asses kicked on a daily basis and never see a naked female again without paying for it:
-Cash Buckhorn
-Baron Maddox
-Cruz Stone
-Peace Thackerson
-Saber Blacksteel
-Tristan Renshaw
-Zane Keaton
-Tower Stonetrowsers
-Brick Stonepipe
Yea, you try starting a tab with the name "Saber Blacksteel". Tardy Turtle could, and would end up not paying a cent of what would be an enormous tab.

Keep living the dream good sir!!

[Tardy Turtle]

JAXALUM is a Great American.

[X-ceptional]

Cash Buckhorn

All my future restaurant reservations are going under this name.

[Tardy Turtle]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvbowl8_k4Y

[GoMuskies]

How many creepy Brony dudes are going to get arrested pleasuring themselves in movie theaters when that comes out?

[Tardy Turtle]

How many creepy Brony dudes are going to get arrested pleasuring themselves in movie theaters when that comes out?

Uh, all of them?

[Tardy Turtle]

Hot mustard is the best McNugget sauce and it's not even close. I will fight all who dissent.

[sylvester]

Hot mustard is the best McNugget sauce and it's not even close. I will fight all who dissent.

Wendy's nuggets all day. Dunk that in bbq with a side of frostyfries and I'm good to go. You can keep your McNuggets and whatever sauce you want.

[Juice]

Wendy's nuggets all day. Dunk that in bbq with a side of frostyfries and I'm good to go. You can keep your McNuggets and whatever sauce you want.

The sriracha suace at Wendy's is traaaaash. They need to bring back the buffalo ranch or the spicy nuggets.

[GIMMFD]

Not to be a douche or anything here, but why the hell is Tardy's thread relevant to Men's Basketball???

[GoMuskies]

Not to be a douche or anything here, but

Isn't this sort of like starting a statement with, "No offense, but..." or "I'm not a racist, but...."?

[ChicagoX]

Wendy's nuggets all day. Dunk that in bbq with a side of frostyfries and I'm good to go. You can keep your McNuggets and whatever sauce you want.

You go to Wendy's and don't order a junior bacon cheeseburger? I question your patriotism.

[GIMMFD]

Isn't this sort of like starting a statement with, "No offense, but..." or "I'm not a racist, but...."?

Hahaha in hindsight yes, and we all have douchebag qualities, but it was a genuine question...

[paulxu]

Not to be a douche or anything here, but why the hell is Tardy's thread relevant to Men's Basketball???

Tardy is a Great American. About once a year or so, a Muskie basketball player is in need of a bail bondsman.

He lives to serve.

[xu82]

I like a program with a full menu of services. I just hope we don't need them all....

[xu95]

I'm not sure how anyone can get nuggets from anywhere but Chick Fil A. I do agree that Wendy's is better than McDonalds, but that is like talking about who is the second cutest.

[sylvester]

You go to Wendy's and don't order a junior bacon cheeseburger? I question your patriotism.

While that is a good point - I believe the consistent quality of your order will on average be better with nuggs over the JBC. Some locations just can't figure out how to pump out a good enough burger these days...and sometimes when you are stuck in Angola, IN (true life example) and need some Wendy's, the offerings are just not very good across the board. And that's crazy given how simple the process is supposed to be.

So yes, I will generally take my nuggs with that in mind.

[GIMMFD]

Tardy is a Great American. About once a year or so, a Muskie basketball player is in need of a bail bondsman.

He lives to serve.

Oh, he's here to get Tre off the hook... GOOD GUY TARDY

[Tardy Turtle]

Thanks for your question, GIMMFD!

The answer is that I will place my containment thread WHEREVER THE FUCK I PLEASE.

http://adanai.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/kgb-splash-the-pot-gif.gif

[GIMMFD]

Thanks for your question, GIMMFD!

The answer is that I will place my containment thread WHEREVER THE FUCK I PLEASE.

http://adanai.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/kgb-splash-the-pot-gif.gif

Have you thought about being in customer service??? You'd thrive.

[xu82]

Have you thought about being in customer service??? You'd thrive.

He appears to be far too fluent in the english language to be hired, based upon my experience.

[Tardy Turtle]

The customer can get fucked sideways.

How's that for service?

[xu82]

Sounds like a full service operation.

[Tardy Turtle]

There is a mole in my yard. I am going to murder it.

http://i.imgur.com/BMzNOc1.jpg

Au revior, mole.

[Tardy Turtle]

Trebek, his face punchable. (http://io9.gizmodo.com/cheers-to-whoever-snuck-in-that-star-trek-reference-on-1796851589)

[Tardy Turtle]

We will not be releasing an International Women's Day drug this year.

[94GRAD]

Our little brother up north might need your services Tardy.

http://www.daytondailynews.com/sports/dayton-flyers-forward-sam-miller-faces-assault-charge-after-jail-fight/WMjHyTpB3hnbYJmfJvgGXL/

[GoMuskies]

Our little brother up north might need your services Tardy.

http://www.daytondailynews.com/sports/dayton-flyers-forward-sam-miller-faces-assault-charge-after-jail-fight/WMjHyTpB3hnbYJmfJvgGXL/

Arrested, AND got his ass beaten by a tiny little guy. Good day for him.

[GIMMFD]

Arrested, AND got his ass beaten by a tiny little guy. Good day for him.

Why would you push a police officer? What an absolute idiot.

[Blue Blooded-05]

Where do I know that guy from? He looks so damn familiar....

Oh wait, I got it!...
https://i0.wp.com/www.blackburnreview.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/CVBEhetUEAACugw.jpg?fit=1200%2C846&w=640

[GoMuskies]

Where do I know that guy from? He looks so damn familiar....

Oh wait, I got it!...
https://i0.wp.com/www.blackburnreview.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/CVBEhetUEAACugw.jpg?fit=1200%2C846&w=640

Very punchable face

[xudash]

Very punchable face

Look at that score! Ha!!

L

[Nigel Tufnel]

Why would you push a police officer? What an absolute idiot.

From what I read, the guy was sharing a cell with Miller. Apparently, Miller peed all over the cell floor, that dude complained about it but the corrections officers said they were cleaning and disinfecting it and he was staying in the same cell. Miller then walked over to him and slapped him in the face. Then...the beatdown occurred.

[bobbiemcgee]

Can't top this Prider's assessment:

C'mon guys, who hasn't got sh!t faced, knocked glasses off a bar after being cut off, pushed a female bartender, punched a bouncer, kicked a police car, p!ssed on the floor of a holding cell and fought with another detainee?

[xu82]

Can't top this Prider's assessment:

C'mon guys, who hasn't got sh!t faced, knocked glasses off a bar after being cut off, pushed a female bartender, punched a bouncer, kicked a police car, p!ssed on the floor of a holding cell and fought with another detainee?

So far this month....I'm good.

[Strange Brew]

Our little brother up north might need your services Tardy.

http://www.daytondailynews.com/sports/dayton-flyers-forward-sam-miller-faces-assault-charge-after-jail-fight/WMjHyTpB3hnbYJmfJvgGXL/

JP and this guy walk into a bar......

[xudash]

Can't top this Prider's assessment:

C'mon guys, who hasn't got sh!t faced, knocked glasses off a bar after being cut off, pushed a female bartender, punched a bouncer, kicked a police car, p!ssed on the floor of a holding cell and fought with another detainee?

Those nimrods used to take shots at us and pretend they were above the fray. Now that poor little mid-major is struggling - and failing - to keep pace with X in terms of quality players and kids.

[X-band '01]

That's what Butler fans do now. It's not like Dayton had a perfectly clean slate themselves during the Archie Miller era.

[XUhockey99]

from the video, it appears someone missed the memo from myles fox morrissey about keeping pants ON!

[Tardy Turtle]

I have determined that I will not be providing bondsman's services to Mr. Miller as I believe him to be a major flight risk.

After all, who doesn't want to get the fuck out of Dayton post-haste?

[GuyFawkes38]

Good news is that it made The Daily Mail:

"Dayton basketball player charged after fight in jail"

http://dailym.ai/2ukhp9J

[X-band '01]

I have determined that I will not be providing bondsman's services to Mr. Miller as I believe him to be a major flight risk.

After all, who doesn't want to get the fuck out of Dayton post-haste?

Nah, you're confusing him with Sammy Smith.

[pickledpigsfeet]

http://deadspin.com/dayton-basketball-player-loses-pants-in-jail-fight-afte-1797475582

[GIMMFD]

http://deadspin.com/dayton-basketball-player-loses-pants-in-jail-fight-afte-1797475582

Tardy can definitely handle this, I'm sure he's experienced the same a few times.

[Tardy Turtle]

Scorching hot take: New Coke Zero tastes slightly more like Coke Heavy, better than previous incarnation.

Do not @ me.

[American X]

I made all those beers disappear. Ol' AmX really outfoxed 'em.

[Tardy Turtle]

https://78.media.tumblr.com/a49ffcaa9ed58f19e6b057ac72d119aa/tumblr_ozp0r7kqM21wqrtaco1_1280.jpg

[American X]

That first beer after fasting is fantastic.

[GIMMFD]

That first beer after fasting is fantastic.

That's called Alcoholism AmX...

[American X]

That's called Alcoholism AmX...

Meetings...Quitting....Never.

[GIMMFD]

Meetings...Quitting....Never.

I agree, AA is for quitters.

[xu82]

Meetings...Quitting....Never.

Don’t be a quitter! I call it thirsty. Thirsty happens....

[xu82]

But these 9:00pm games do pose a challenge. Good thing I have zero to do tomorrow. Or...is it?

Nova down 5 with under 5 left.

[American X]

I am not saying that I needed fish & chips and a couple pints at the Irish pub after yesterday, but I certainly welcomed them. I Love March.